Strolling into a bank, the lady presented a cheque and asked the teller to cash it. The teller asked the woman if she could identify herself. Pulling a mirror from her handbag the woman looked in it and said, "Yes sir. It's me, all right."

A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"

A man wrote a letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can't sleep, I'll send the rest."

Tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History marveled at the dinosaur bones. One asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard told him, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," said the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

A man shouted to the policeman on the opposite bank of the river.
"Ahoy there! How can I get to the other side?"
The policeman helpfully shouted back, "You are already on the other side."

Lost on a rainy night, the nun sought shelter a monastery. She was just in time for dinner and ate the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
She went into the kitchen to thank the chefs, and was met by two of the Brothers.
"I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner," she told them. "The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Who cooked them?"
Brother Peter replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar, and Bother Paul here is the chip monk."

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

- Frank Sinatra

A customer entered the computer store. “I’m looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. Nothing too easy. You know, something really challenging.”
The assistant thought, then replied, “have you tried Windows XP?”

Did you ever notice that when you put the two words "THE" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

The struggling young artist went up to a well-known critic who was viewing his new exhibition.
"What do you think of my work?" he asked the critic. "Tell me your opinion."
"Frankly, it's worthless," retorted the critic.
"I know," replied the artist. "But tell me anyway."

I was impressed at my granny’s 80th birthday party to see that she still didn't need glasses. No, she drank whisky, as always, straight from the bottle.

"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the enquiries operator.
"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment,
"Well, uh, most people call me Snake."

The shipwrecked sailor woke up on a beach. The sand was dark red. The sky was dark red. He looked around and saw dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. Even his skin was starting to turn dark red.
It was then he realized he’d been marooned.

Russian archaeologists recently dug down ten metres under Moscow, and claimed to find copper wire, which they said showed that Russia had the world's first telephone system 5,000 years ago.

Not to be outdone, New York archaeologists dug down twenty metres and said they found silicon tubes which showed America had the world's first optical fibre system 10,000 years ago.

Then Chinese archaeologists dug thirty metres under Beijing, and found nothing. This, they concluded, was proof that 15,000 years ago, China had developed the world's first wireless communications system.

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile phone!

Don't worry about trying to avoid temptation. In time, it will try to avoid you.

The drill instructor escorted the new recruits to the mess hall. He sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking that they understood, he shouted, "What is the first rule?"
The sixty recruits yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

The patient was overweight, so the doctor put him on a diet.
He said; "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks."
When the patient returned, he shocked the doctor by being twenty pounds lighter.
"Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor told him. "You did this just by following my instructions?"
The slimmed down patient nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I though I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No," replied the patient, "from skipping."

"How long have you been working here?" one employee asked the other.
"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me."

A student came to the young professor's office. She closed his door and breathed, "I would do anything to pass this exam." .She gazed meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispered, "I would do anything..."
He returned her gaze, "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softened, "Anything at all?"
"Anything," she repeated.
His voice turned to a whisper. "Would you ...study?"

My friend was going sky-diving. I asked him what the hardest part was.
"The ground," he told me.

After reading the complicated instructions for the automatic teller, the confused customer walked over to a bank officer. "Excuse me," said the customer, "but I was wondering if you could help me out." "Certainly," smiled the officer. "Go right through that door marked EXIT."

The driver went straight through a stoplight. His friend asked, "What are you doing."
The driver reassured him, "It’s OK, my brother does it all the time."
They came up to another stoplight and went right through.
His friend shook his head. "You’re out of your mind," he told him.
Again the driver said, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time."
They came up to a green light and he stopped. His friend said, "Its green, you can go."
The driver said, "No I can’t. My brother might be coming!"

“Doctor,” complained the patient; “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.”
The doctor scratched his head. “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” replied the patient, “just spots.”

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "If I become rich will I get into heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I become a celebrity will I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well," she continued, "What do I have to be to get into heaven?"
"Dead!" they shouted.

"This little computer," said the a sales clerk, "will do half your job for you."
The senior manager examined the machine thoughtfully. Then he said "Fine, I'll take two."

My friend seemed very happy to complete his jigsaw puzzle in two months.
"Two months?" I told him, "It shouldn’t have taken that long!"
"This was a hard one," he replied, showing me the box. In the top corner it said '3-4 years.'

Eagerly the politician phoned his mother with the result
"Mom," he said, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?", his mother replied, thrilled.
His face fell. "Let's not go into that," he told her.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie. The second poured the old man's milk onto the floor. The third kicked away his stool.

Without a word of protest the old man got up and quietly left the diner. Shortly afterwards one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorbikes."

"What do you think of Red China?" One woman asked another during a Downing Street dinner.
"Oh, I don’t know," said the other woman. "I guess it would be all right if you use it on a white tablecloth."

The science graduate asks, "Why does it work?" The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?" The accounting graduate asks, "How much does it cost?" The liberal arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."

Question: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water outlet.

Question: What do you get when you play country and western records backwards?
Answer: You get your dog back, your car back and your wife loves you again.

Employee: 'I'm sorry I'm late, sir - I fell off a bus and was run down by a taxi.'
Boss: 'And that took you an hour?'

He'd been out all night with the blonde, and worried about returning home. She suggested he put a stick of chalk behind his ear. As he staggered in his wife shouted: "And where have you been?" "Out all night with a blonde," he replied. "Liar," cried his wife. "You've been out playing pool again. You've still got a bit of chalk behind your ear!"

"I'm sorry," said the doctor to the farmer, whose wife had come down with flu, "But I'm no longer prepared to make calls to the farmhouse."
"Why?" asked the farmer. "Is it too far?"
"No," replied the doctor. "It's because your ducks keep making hostile comments about my abilities and qualifications."

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

[supplied by Ian Bennett]

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the risk?

A man walked into a pharmacy. "Do you have anything that would help me?" he enquired. "I seem to have lost my voice."
"Good morning, sir," said the pharmacist. "How can I help you?"

The doctor told me to slow down, quit smoking, drink less, and give up the women. But he did at least say he envied the life I was leading.

Our 100th joke of the day was made by President Ronald Reagan.

He defined a taxpayer as someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.

'If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?'

- Will Rogers

Jack performed well in his interview for a job as a "Problem Solver", which offered a salary of £150,000. "Great! You've got the job!" said the interviewer. "Any questions?"
"Well," said Jack, "this seems to be quite a small company. How can you afford to pay people £150,000?"
"We can't" said the interviewer. "But that's your problem."

McTavish had just moved down to London and his mother called to find out how he was getting on in his new apartment.
"It's a bit odd," said McTavish. "On one side of me there's a man who keeps banging his head against the wall, and upstairs there's a woman who just lies on the floor moaning all the time."
"The English are strange," said his mother. "You should keep yourself to yourself."
"Oh, I do," replied McTavish. "I just stay in all day and play my bagpipes."

British interviewer: "President Chavez: you have set Venezuela on the path to socialism. In a word, how would you say the Venezuelan economy is now going?"
Chavez: "In a word? Good."
Interviewer: "Er, Mr President, 'in a word' is just an English expression. You're allowed to elaborate a little."
Chavez: "I see. Not good."

When broadcasters are checking interviewees' microphones for sound level, they invariably ask what you had for breakfast. The charismatic American conservative Stan Evans must have shocked some sound technician with his (undoubtedly truthful) reply: "For breakfast, I always have coffee and cigarettes. Some people say they have no time for breakfast. I say make time. It's the most important meal of the day!"

Doctor: "You have a highly contagious disease. You must go into isolation, and you’ll have to eat only pancakes and pizza.”
Patient: "Will pancakes and pizza cure the disease?"
Doctor: "No, but we can't slip anything else under the door."

The young employee went to his boss asking for a raise, saying that several other companies were after him.
"What companies are those?" asked the boss.
"The gas company, the electricity, the phone company," the employee admitted, sheepishly.

Donald remarked that he hadn't spoken to his wife for eighteen months. He just didn't want to interrupt her.

What do you call a blind fish?

Answer: FSH

..and what do you call a blind deer?

Answer: No idea.

A man with a parrot on his shoulder entered a bar. The barmaid said "He's gorgeous, where did you get him?" The parrot replied "In France. They've got millions of them there."

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

Statistics show that 80 percent of people would like to see fewer cars on the road. But that's because they want to be able to drive to work quicker!

A man walked into a physician's office and said, "Doctor, you must help me! I think I'm a moth."

The doctor told the man, "I'm sorry, but I'm a physician. For that sort of problem you need to see a psychiatrist."

"I know that," replied the fellow. "I was on my way to a psychiatrist's office but your light was on."

[supplied by Phred Menyhert]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand the binary system, and those who don't.

There was more violent crime on the streets last night. Several eggs were beaten up and a fish was battered. Two sticks of rhubarb have been taken into custardy.

How many EU electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

If German, one.

If British, four; one to take the bulb out and replace it, one to advise when the bulb is cool enough to hold, one to hold the ladder and one to write the Health and Safety risk assessment.

If Spanish, eighteeen; the first four as the British require, the other fourteen would be British electricians on holiday in Spain, shaking their heads in disapproval at the state of the Spanish wiring system in the place where the bulb has blown.

If French, six. We've always done it with that number, and that's the way the European Union decrees to be correct.

If Italian, none. We don't really need the light, and anyway we are enjoying our long lunch-break too much to break off just now.

[supplied by Mike Cunningham]

It is noteworthy that President Chirac managed a whole G8 summit without complaining about British food. The Telegraph reports that:

M. Chirac and his fellow-summiteers tucked into smoked salmon with roasted langoustines and herb salad, followed by a main course of roast fillet of Glenearn lamb with broad beans and peas, aubergine caviar and Parmesan polenta. To finish there was a pudding called "textures of chocolate".

They then got down to the agenda, which was world hunger.

The Olympics come to London:

Additional infrastructure: GBP 1bn
Transport upgrades: GBP 2 bn
Look on Jacques Chirac's face: priceless

[supplied by Jonathan Woolham]

An American, a Briton, a Russian, a Frenchman and a Japanese all walked into a bar at Gleneagles.

The barman said: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Should we trust government IT? A young man went into the benefits office and was asked to give his surname so they could find him on the computer. "Ah, here it is," said the assistant. "You are John William Owen of Station Road, age 21, single, unemployed last year but now working at the supermarket. I have the full file on you here, so what would you like to discuss?"

"Well," said the young man. "I'd like to discuss the widow's pension you send me every week."

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not the issue. The really important point is that light bulbs up and down the country are being changed far more efficiently than they were under the last government.

"Betting on the horses is a funny old game," said the gambler to his drinking buddy. "One day you win, the next day you lose." His friend thought for a moment and said: "Why don't you just bet every other day?"

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just a sort of tired feeling.

Could I get a new battery for my dog?

What kind of dog needs a battery?

A watch-dog

[supplied by Maureen Crowley]

Comedians have it easier than politicians. People are always coming up to them and saying "Go on then, tell us a joke." They don't go up to politicians and say "You're a Member of Parliament, go on then, tell us a lie."

When a Member of Parliament died, an ambitious candidate called his constituency agent. "I was sorry to hear about Mr Jones's death," he explained. "I wondered if you would consider me to replace him?"

"Only if the undertaker agrees," replied the agent.

Someone once suggested to the Irish music megastar (and Live8 campaigner) Bono that he might advance his political and humanitarian ideals by running for president. "I wouldn't run for president," he replied. "I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house."

I have terrible luck. If there's a 50:50 chance of something going wrong for me, you can be sure that nine times out of ten, it will.

(From the final days of the socialist economies…)

How is our potato crop?

Comrade, if you piled up our potatoes it would make a small mountain reaching to the very feet of God.

Comrade, this is a Socialist country; we know there is no God.

That’s fine comrade, since there aren't any potatoes either.

How many free-market economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. If the room is dark, the invisible hand will ensure that the light comes on.

[supplied by TD Asch]

(Jokesmith will post the best few of the many 'lightbulb' jokes sent in)

[a reader sends us this from the late Tommy Cooper]

I backed a horse at twenty to one.
It came in at ten past three.

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting first his compass and then the sun. Finally he said, "OK, see that big mountain top over there?"
"Yes," answered the others, eagerly.
'Well, that's where we are."

[supplied by Valentina Korneeva]

Passengers waiting for take-off watched in amazement as two men in pilots' uniforms walked through the plane toward the cockpit. Both wore black glasses, one of them led by a guide dog, the other tapping his way with a white stick. The passengers laughed nervously as the plane readied for take-off. A macabre practical joke, perhaps? Then as the plane gathered speed, they realized it was headed straight for water at the edge of the airport. Panicked screams filled the cabin, but at the last moment the plane lifted smoothly into the air.

Sheepishly the passengers relaxed into their magazines as drinks were served. Meanwhile in the cockpit the co-pilot said, "You know, Bob, one of these days they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."

[supplied by Mike Cunningham]

A friend took one of Milton Friedman's classes at the University of Chicago. He tells that after a wild night, he fell asleep in class. He was woken suddenly and confronted by an agitated Dr Friedman pounding the table and demanding to know the answer to the question he had just asked.

"It's the money supply," my friend blurted out. He was right, too.

Poor Zimbabwe. Even their post office has troubles now. The new stamps bearing the likeness of President Mugabe keep falling off envelopes. Apparently people are spitting on the wrong side.

[supplied by Philip Stevens]

Outside an athletics stadium recently I saw a man carrying an extremely long case containing athletics equipment.

I asked him "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He replied "Nein, I am German. And how did you know my name?"

[supplied by Michael Hirsh]

"Build a man a fire, and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life."

- Terry Pratchett

[supplied by John Halton]

An engineer, a chemist and an economist were stranded on a desert island, with tins of food - but nothing to open them with. The engineer bent a young palm tree down with ropes and fired successive rocks at a tin. It remained intact. Then the chemist boiled up foaming mixtures on a primus stove and poured them over a tin. Nothing happened. They turned to the economist.

"Assume", he said, "we have a tin-opener..."

[supplied by Sudha R. Shenoy]

A teenager who really loved tractors persuaded a local farmer to let him drive one. Alas, the boy span out of control, crashed, and almost died. He was in hospital for months, and although he recovered, he never liked them again.

After leaving hospital he visited a pub with his girlfriend. It was rather smoky so she stood up to leave. Instead the boy made a strange sucking noise and the smoke cleared, as if by magic.

"How did you do that?" she asked him in amazement.

"It's easy for an ex-tractor fan."

[supplied by Oli Latham]

Following the recent controversy, eBay are to open a new subsidiary in Yorkshire, UK. The new company will be called eBay Gum.

(Anyone not fluent in the Yorkshire language might look here).

[supplied by John East]

Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way you are a mile away when you voice your criticism. And you have his shoes.

Three professionals were discussing which of their callings was the most senior.

"Surgery is the oldest," claimed the physician. "God created Eve from Adam's rib. That was surgery."

"But," said the architect, "before that, God took the Chaos and created order. That was architecture."

"Ah," said the economist, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"
____

[This is the 60th joke to appear on Joke of the day. We invite our readers to send in suggested jokes. They do not have to be original, but we will describe them as supplied by you if we run them. Please send suggestions to jokes@adamsmith.org]

There is a proposal to erect a larger-than-life statue of the Prime Minister. It will provide shelter in the rain and shade in the summer. It will also give the pigeons a chance to speak for us all.

Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And I am not sure about the former.

- Albert Einstein

The young corporate financier decided to blow his bonus on a Rolls-Royce. Naturally he was keen to show it off to an old university friend with a rival firm, and offered to take him for a spin.

"What do you think?" he asked his friend as the car purred along. "I don't suppose you've ever ridden in a Rolls-Royce before."

"Well, yes, I have," replied his friend. "But never in the front seat."

The government has responded rapidly to the disclosure that 50 percent of all doctors give "below average performance." The Prime Minister has announced a tough new two-year target to bring that figure down to 40 percent.

The astrologer pointed out that his predictions were about half right, a much better success rate than the economist could manage. The economist was unimpressed. "That's because of external shocks," he said, "Stars don't have those."

At the recent summit Putin complained to Bush that he knew one of his 50 bodyguards was a traitor, but didn't know which one. Bush told him this was no big deal. He had to listen to 50 economists on every policy issue, and while one always told him the truth, it was never the same one.

The lady loved the puppies. "What kind of dogs are they?" she asked.
"These are economists," she was told. She went home and told her husband, who came back a week later to buy one.
"What kind of dogs did you say these are?"
"Oh. These are decision analysts."
"I thought you said last week that they were economists."
"Yeah, but they've opened their eyes since then."

John Kenneth Galbraith is reported to tell this story about himself. As a boy he lived on a farm in Canada. On the adjoining farm lived a girl he was fond of. One day as they sat together on the top rail of the cattle pen, they watched a bull servicing a cow. Galbraith turned to the girl, with what he hoped was an inviting look, and said, "That looks like it would be fun." She replied, "Well, it's your cow."

Let no-one say the Germans have no sense of humour. TV critic Victor Lewis-Smith says that he recently overhead the following joke told by one of them:

"My vife is going on der holiday to der Caribbean."
"Did you compel her to go?"
"Ja."

(both convulsed with laughter)

William Shakespeare went into a bar and was asked for his ID. The waiter looked at it and said, "We can't serve you, Mr Shakespeare. I'm afraid you're on the bard list."

One of my American friends asked me to sign his immigration form. I saw that where it asked "length of residence in the UK?" he had neatly written "thirty-two feet, including the porch."

I remember when the doctor told me to give up booze and sex. I took his advice, and it was the worst day I ever spent.

Mathematics brought rigor to Economics. Unfortunately, it also brought mortis.

- Kenneth Boulding

My son wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit for his birthday, so I bought him the French government.

Fidel Castro was four hours deep into one of his six-hour speeches. Without pausing he handed the chairman a note which read "8th in from left, 17th row back." Armed police moved in discreetly and arrested the designated man as the speech continued. Afterwards the Cuban President was congratulated on spotting the traitor.

"How did you know?" asked the chairman.

"Simple," Castro replied. "I remembered comrade Lenin's dictum. The enemies of Socialism never sleep."

Three conference attendees squeezed oranges for their morning juice. The economist extracted 2oz of juice from a 4oz orange. The engineer managed 3oz from his. But they both watched enthralled as the government spokesman produced 5oz of juice from his 4oz orange.

The Prime Minister introduced his reform agenda saying he didn't know the meaning of defeat, quit, or surrender. Now his back-benchers have responded by buying him a dictionary.

The headstone reads: "Here lies the body of a great politician, an honest man, and a stalwart of the Conservative Party." Which is odd, because they don't usually bury three people in the same grave.

The book 'How to Woo' was selling furiously until irate purchasers discovered when they got it home that they had bought volume two of the Hong Kong telephone directory.

Many of the pundits say we are headed for an economic downturn. It is important to recognize the different stages.
Recession is when your neighbour loses his job.
Depression is when you lose your job.
Recovery is when Gordon Brown loses his job.

I asked the librarian if they had the Chancellor's economic forecast. She told me it was filed under BROWN, and it was beyond BELIEF.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother

The old farmer on his deathbed beckoned his wife over. "Mavis," he gasped. "You were with me through the Great Depression. You were by my side through the war. You were there beside me through the droughts and the landslides. And now you're here at my deathbed. You know, I’m beginning to think you're bad luck."

There was a devout economic forecaster who tried to live each day as if it were his last. Eventually he got it right.

The employment inspector asked the farmer about pay and conditions. "Well," he said, "Harry milks the cows for £200 a week plus room and board. Mary looks after the chickens and the housework for £150 a week with room and board. Then there's the half-wit, who works sixty hours a week and gets around £30 a week with room and board." "Aha!" said the inspector. "I'd like to talk to him." "You are," said the farmer.

As Bob Hope used to say: "I love coming to Washington. I like to feel close to my money."

The supporters of Blair at Number 10 Downing Street rarely see eye to eye with the suporters of Brown at Number 11. That could be because they are arguing from different premises.

Achieving free trade is like getting to heaven. Everyone one wants to get there, but not too soon.

Three economists chartered a light plane for a moose hunting trip. The pilot told them that there would only be room to bring one moose back. They all managed a kill, however, and persuaded the pilot to take the three carcasses back. The overweight plane crashed on top of an ice ridge, and one economist, pullng himself from the wreckage, said "Hey, isn't this where we crashed last year?"

A man bought a beautiful brass rat from an antique shop. As he was taking it home, he heard scuffling behind him, and looked round to see hordes of rats running after him. In alarm he dashed to the Thames and threw the brass rat into the water, watching as thousands of rats followed it, drowning themselves. He returned to the shop and asked if they had a brass economist.

Labour dissidents are wondering how to defeat the government on all its key policies while still keeping it in office; but as one of them remarked, "We can doublecross that bridge when we get to it."

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an economist?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional with a computer paid to guess wrong about the economy.

Among the definitions from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce:

Tariff - A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

German employer: "We have a bonus scheme, a non-contributory pension scheme, medical and hospital insurance, generous paid holidays, free training, recreational facilities, maternity and paternity leave, a crèche, and a profit-sharing plan."
Applicant: "Great! What are the wages?"
Employer: "I'm afraid that with all that lot, we can't afford wages. Come to think of it, we can't afford the job, either."

How can you expect politicians to get on top of the problems when they spend so much time getting on top of their staff?

The word politics comes from poly, meaning many, and tics, which are of course little bloodsuckers.

Talk is cheap except when the US Congress does it.

Political jokes are in short supply today because 645 of them just got elected to Parliament.

.

Thanks to Stephen Pollard for this picture of Pope Benedict.

.

Lord Layard wants governments to pursue happiness, but as one of our readers points out:

Happiness is all very well, but it doesn't bring you money, does it?

Churchill had a good sense of humour and collected jokes which people told about him. Stalin didn't, and collected people who told jokes about him.

Politician: Is it ignorance or apathy that keeps you from voting?
Elector: I don’t know and I don’t care.

I was told to pay my tax bill with a smile. I tried it, but the Revenue demanded cash.

Thanks to our Danish friends for this:

Three econometricians out hunting spotted a large deer. The first one’s shot went three feet wide to the left. The second one also missed, but by three feet to the right. The third econometrician jumped up and down in triumph, shouting "We got it! We got it!"

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be difficult to know which politician to choose.

I'm beginning to understand why local-government taxes are so high. Our town clerk got three quotes for building a new fountain. The Manchester builder set a price of £3000. "That's £1000 for the materials, £1000 for labour, and £1000 for me," he explained. The Leeds builder set a price of £6000. "That's £2000 for materials, £2000 for labour, and £2000 for me," he explained. The Sheffield builder quoted £9000. "That's £3000 for you, £3000 for me, and we give the job to the bloke from Manchester."

Prime Minister Tony Blair, Chancellor Gordon Brown, and party spin-doctor Alastair Campbell were on a campaign trip this week, heading to the North of England by train, with all the press pack. But suddenly the train came to a complete stop. Blair thought he had better find out what was happening, so went up to the front to speak to the driver.

"The engine’s broken," he reported back to the press pack. "So I’ve set up an inclusive task force to examine the problem." Nothing happens. So Brown goes up to the front, and reports back: "The engine’s still broken, so I’m providing £5b of new spending that will fix engines up and down the country." Still the train doesn’t move. Whereupon Campbell pulls down the window blinds and tells the press: "There. The train’s moving."

Two academics in a nudist colony:
First Prof: "Have you read Marx?"
Second Prof: "Yes, I think it’s these wicker chairs."

You can tell when politicians are lying. Their lips move.

You can tell the economy is in a bad way. Even the hot cakes have stopped selling.

Politician at the electio