|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 |
|
News from the Pope's visit to America:
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offered him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!''' |
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Thursday, 17 April 2008 |
Hillary Clinton attacked Barack Obama, called him 'elitist,' and said he was out of touch with poor people. Later, Bill Clinton gave a speech on the subject, and charged a million bucks for it.
Jay Leno |
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Saturday, 12 April 2008 |
 |
| Following on from the news that Jack Straw, the Justice Secretary, [allegedly] threatened to punch Ed Balls, the Schools Secretary, in a row about youth crime (not a joke, apparently) the Conservatives have created a rather cheeky computer game called 'A Kick in the Balls'. You can play it here. It may not be quite as addictive as Taxman Pacman, but it's an amusing weekend diversion. |
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Saturday, 05 April 2008 |
 |
|
Ed Balls, the Schools Secretary, and Andy Burnham, the Culture Secretary, take a break from affairs of state.
Courtesy of Boulton & Co (via Comment Central).
|
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Tuesday, 01 April 2008 |
Over on the Telegraph's Brassneck blog, Alex Singleton notes the pump-advertising on Weston's Casablanca beer. Its a little hostile to the Prime Minister...
|
 |
| Add this to the campaign to ban the Chancellor from every pub in the land, and it's clear the government is losing the support of that vital British constituency: drinkers. And no, this is not an April Fool's joke. |
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Thursday, 20 March 2008 |
|
The doctor's taken me off my antidepressants. It hasn't affected me at all, but suddenly my husband's become a complete idiot.
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Friday, 07 March 2008 |
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Wednesday, 05 March 2008 |
During a press conference today, President Bush said the following. He said it's important we make the economy stronger so -- quote -- 'families can put money on their table.' Yes, then Bush said that Americans should deposit food in their bank accounts. It was a good speech. I liked it. It's hard to top what he actually said.
Conan O'Brien
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Monday, 11 February 2008 |
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You scumbag!'
The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'
Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You despicable scumbag !!!'
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the problem?'
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I've lived next door to that scumbag and every time I asked to borrow a spanner, he said he didn't have one!'
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Sunday, 10 February 2008 |
|
I was so happy when I married Miss Right. Until I discovered that her first name was 'Always'.
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Friday, 08 February 2008 |
|
A company here in Los Angeles is making dolls of all these current political figures. ... They're not like normal dolls where you pull the string and the dolls talk. These are a little different. These, you have to make a large donation to their campaign and then the dolls will say and do whatever you want.
–Jay Leno
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Monday, 28 January 2008 |
"A Nevada brothel is encouraging its customers to give their tips to the Ron Paul campaign. How did this endorsement deal slip by Bill Clinton? He must be getting old."
– Jay Leno
|
|
Written by Junksmith
|
|
Saturday, 26 January 2008 |
|
A young brunette went into the doctor's office and told him that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible," said the doctor. "Show me."
She took her finger and pushed on her elbow and screamed in agony. She then pushed on her knee and screamed, pushed on her ankle and screamed, and so on. No matter where she touched, her agony was apparent.
After some thought, the doctor said "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde".
She sheepishly admitted that indeed, she was a blonde.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "Your finger is broken."
|
|
Written by Jokesmith
|
|
Tuesday, 22 January 2008 |
|
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want". The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway."
Ed - with this, his 1000th joke, Jokesmith is retiring from the ASI blog to pursue a career in stand-up. Apparently he was inspired by the late, great Bob Monkhouse, who famously quipped: "When I said I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now..."
|
|
Written by Jokesmith
|
|
Monday, 21 January 2008 |
|
A guy was walking down the street and saw Little Johnny smoking a cigarette.
He said, 'Kid, you're too young to smoke. How old are you?'
Johnny said, 'Six.'
The guy said, 'Six? When did you start smoking?'
Johnny said, 'Right after the first time I got laid.'
The guy said, 'Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?'
Johnny said, 'I don't remember. I was drunk.'
|
|
|
