Adam Smith Institute

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. 'Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mummy? he asked.
'To make myself beautiful.' said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

Linda, a radical feminist, was getting on a bus to go to work.
As she walked down the aisle to find a seat a man just in front of her got up.
Linda thought to herself. 'Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a male-dominated society by offering a poor defenceless woman his seat,' and so she pushed him back on to the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tried to get up again.
Linda was further insulted and refused to let him up.
Finally, the flabbergasted man said, 'Look, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!'

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, 'Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?
''That's young father.'
'Then who's that bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?'

Peter, who was in a lot of pain, called his doctor's office for an appointment.
"I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "but we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."
"Two weeks!" the man replied. "But I could be dead by then."
The receptionist replied, "No problem, sir. If your wife calls the surgery we can cancel the appointment." 

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist"
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room twenty-eight, but be very quiet as you pass room eight."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist"
"Go to room eighteen, but be very quiet as you pass room eight."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish"
"Go to room eleven, but be very quiet as you pass room eight."
The man replies, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room eight?"
St Peter replies, "The Jehovah's Witnesses are in room eight, and they think they're the only ones here."

The following was recently voted the funniest joke in Belgium:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

An architect, a surgeon, and an economist were discussing their place in the universe.

The surgeon said, 'Look, we're the most important. God's a surgeon because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.'

The architect said, 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. God made the world in seven days out of chaos.'

The economist smiled, 'And who made the chaos?'

Are you allowed to kiss a nun?

Yes, but don't get into the habit.

An old man was bragging to his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped doing that when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

What do you call a guy with no feet?

Neil.