On the eleventh day of Christmas...


My true love sent to me: eleven pipers piping. It might refer to the eleven loyal apostles.

Pipers are becoming harder to get, because of noise at work regulations. Scotland’s army pipers are only allowed to practice 25 minutes a day to protect their hearing.

When the regulations were put forward a year ago, some bright spark pointed out that the crowd roar at Anfield, Old Trafford and the like often exceeds the 90p decibel limit, so presumably premier league footballers should be wearing ear muffs. Likewise orchestras playing the 1812 Overture. There were red faces all round, but the regulators gave the entertainment industries eighteen months to find a solution to their problem. Their problem? It’s the regulators’ problem!