Our dear leader speaks


The government has launched a new website called Real help now, to inform the British public on what is being done to combat the recession. Gordon Brown has even written one section himself. Here's my summary:

I am Gordon Brown, the prime minister, and I'm here to lie to you explain why the economy is in such a state.

Basically, it's not my fault.

The evil capitalists in America started it by lending money to people who couldn't afford the repayments. This had nothing to do with my dear friend and fellow financial genius Alan Greenspan (we abolished boom and bust, you know) keeping interest rates so low for so long, or my comrades in the US Congress who gave government backing to many of these loans through Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It also had nothing to do with the Clinton administration legislating that all banks had to lend sub-prime if they wanted the government to let them get on with their business. That had nothing to do with it at all.

You see, the only reason why global markets failed is that they were not regulated as I, Gordon Brown, have argued for many, many years they should be. Look at how wonderful the FSA has been at dealing with domestic problems in the UK. Just imagine if I had been allowed to set up an FSA for the whole world! What I'm saying is that if I were in charge, none of this would be happening. Oh, hang on...

Anyway, enough dwelling on the past: I have a plan for the future. Basically, even though our public debt is already two trillion pounds excluding public sector pension and private finance initiative liabilities, I'm going to save the world by spending loads of other people's money. And if I can't get hold of enough, I'll just print the stuff like they do in Zimbabwe, and give it a fancy name like quantitative easing.

Just to recap: None of this is my fault. I am going to save the world.