Poor Madsen’s Almanack
Based on shrewd observation of likely weather patterns and early budding of snowdrops and Indian maize, Madsen has been able to describe the events of 2026 as they actually happened.
January
A huge explosion completely destroyed the Treasury building, leaving only a pile of smouldering rubble. A police spokesman said it was too early to tell for sure, but “it bore all the hallmarks of an inside job.” It was followed by a sharp upturn in the economy.
February
President Trump was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, having secured agreement between both Israel and Hamas rejecting a two-state solution in favour of a one-state solution. While they had not yet agreed on which state it was to be, President Trump dismissed these qualms as “mere details.”
March
A former minister was torn to pieces by a pack of savage wolves that fell upon him as he emerged from his limousine in Parliament Square to attend his magazine office nearby. Before the eyes of horrified onlookers, the frenzied animals tore the ex-minister limb from limb. Police said that the body was identified by the obscene tattoos and the smell of cheap whisky that characterized the former minister.
April
President Putin abandoned plans for further conscription to fight in Ukraine when it was revealed that there were no Russians left of fighting age (meaning below 70 years old). It transpired that those not already killed or maimed had all gone to study abroad or on ‘business trips.’ North Korea offered to fill the gap in exchange for more hydrogen bombs and long-range missiles that could reach Beijing.
May
The UK Justice Secretary, David Lammy, announced that the entire budget surplus would go in reparations for slavery. When told that the British had ended slavery, his response was that “well, they started it.” When asked on Mastermind about ancient Greece, Rome and the Arab states, he denied all knowledge of them.
June
The Department of Health and Social Care stirred controversy with its announcement that only diversity officers and transgender people would be permitted to enter its building through the front door, and that doctors and nurses would be required in future to use the tradesman’s entrance at the back.
July
Towns and cities across the UK held outdoor breakfast parties to celebrate the award by UNESCO of cultural heritage status for the full English breakfast. After initial opposition in Scotland to what was regarded as ‘an English meal,’ the Scots relented when black pudding was included with an optional haggis extra on the side.
August
Climate scientists were initially caught off guard when a widespread snowfall blanketed most of the UK, reaching a depth of up to six feet in parts of Yorkshire. The BBC produced a Panorama special, showing charts that proved it was all caused by global warming, while Greenpeace called for snowploughs to be banned as “detrimental to the environment.”
September
France’s fourth Prime Minister of the month resigned after losing a vote of no confidence in Parliament. President Trump, in an off-the-cuff remark, was quoted as saying it was because the French were “totally unbalanced” and “about as stable as a warm Camembert.”
October
The Test series against Australia was declared tied when the fifth and final match was rained off, just as the other four had been. GB News published sensational footage showing that the MCC coach had given money to a private aircraft company to seed silver iodide crystals above the venues where the cricket was to have taken place.
November
There was a big win for the Republicans in the US mid-term elections. Early results suggested that allies of President Trump had won all 53 states, with only Greenland still to call after undergoing its fifth recount.
December
The UK Government issued advice to all ministries and local governments to avoid using the word ‘Christmas’ as it was “as unnecessarily hurtful and divisive as the England and UK flags.” Greenpeace called for Christmas trees to be banned “because their subsequent burning released greenhouse gases.” The Palace responded with the word ‘Merry Christmas’ in coloured lights on Buckingham Palace gates, and a giant Christmas tree in the grounds.
Madsen Pirie